happy birthday, bryan!

dear friends, guitardos & bryan,

I suppose the thing that cracks me up the most about this project is that bruchman has no memory of the incident that prompted this collection. at two boots last year on j's birthday, bryan asked me in that petulant brat way of his to throw him a surprise birthday party 'cause "nobody would." sad, eh? then, later on, after some of phina's rioja (?) I found myself shrieking at him in the street about his talents as a songwriter. I don't remember the exact details of this conversation; I just remember shoving him a lot for emphasis since he didn't seem too convinced. these two moments stayed in my mind. a few days later, I realized that I could combine them into the perfect birthday surprise. thus, guitarded was born!

the word got out & unsurprisingly, talented people responded. (for background details on this project's process, go visit the archives at http://guitardation.blogspot.com/). once these glorious versions were recorded & I had the pleasure of listening to them, it was clear that the pleasure would not only be bryan's but everyone's as well. I wish this sort of spontaneous burst of art for art's sake happened more often! note to self: become rich, invest in home studio.

I'd like to thank all of you that participated & put in the time to attack these songs. bryan will stare at you moonily for time to come. thanks to heather "hong kong" kelly for her beautiful cover portrait of bryan based on phil's stealth photo. thanks to jeremiah & tina for being the only people skilled enough to impressively handle the cd cover & sleeve layout. thanks to stephanie for invaluable help in the organization of the plus ones. without her excel skills & golden pipes, we would've gotten nowhere. special thanks to le trav for being his usual mixmaster self on several of these tracks at serious business & throwing down the gauntlet with the unsacred hearts on "hoboken". a very special thanks to mary, for naming this project, relentless cheer, fantastic intro/band notes writin' & maintaining her composure in the face of bryan's ever growing suspicion that I wanted to set him on fire. lastly, a very special thanks to my partner in both crime & non-crime, j, for recording/engineering, putting all of his non-work/mig energies & thoughts into this project despite his already hectic schedule & for assuring me that it would all wind up okay. 'cause guess what? it did.

last month when bryan started talking about his birthday plans, the surprise party request came up. he claims he never asked me. oh well. he's not getting quite what he doesn't remember asking for but I have a feeling that it might be slightly better than chuck e cheez. happy birthday bruchman, you incredible punkass. enjoy your tribute & go write some more songs. & remember, this goes for all of you, be careful when you make drunken, half-hearted requests to short, bespectacled chilean women. they might take it seriously.

love, d

GUITARDED: THE SONGS OF BRYAN BRUCHMAN
an all-star homage


It's not often that so many diverse talents wind up on one sound recording. But when our muse is Bryan Bruchman's vast song-catalog, how could anyone resist? He, the O.G. (Original Guitardo), the Hair Monster, the Loop-Pedal King, he has given us a wealth of material with which to rock, or croon, as the case may be. From the high-pitched warblings of Teenage Squirrel, to the gentle tropical sway of Scarlet Fever School, to the Unsacred bombast, to the crystalline tones of Baby Be-Gone, the cast of Guitarded has proven the versatility, hooks, humor, and (dare we say it?) beauty of Bruchman compositions. Recordings were created stealthily and deceptively and on the sly, at home and in studios and practice spaces, on computers and, in Jeremiah's case, with the help of Bryan's own microphone one night when he was out.

These songs have never before sounded like this. In many cases, these diverse talents have never before sounded like this (cf. especially Beastmaster Romance). Having been reinterpreted, the songs of Bryan Bruchman reveal themselves to be powerful indeed, strong enough to inspire, challenge, and gratify all who touch them. The pantheon of New Jersey songwriters must be expanded: Bruce, Bon Jovi, Bruchman. Yeah, we know that.

1. Teenage Squirrel - "Multiply"
Phil: guitar/vocals
Tina: backing vocals/laughter
Jeremy: backing vocals
d: backing vocals/grousing about the lack of dutch courage
Recorded by Jeremy Joseph at Casa de Coq, sometime in Nov-Dec '03.
This rousing Emo version was conceived by Cheez. Additional squirrel concept by J. The seed of Guitarded? Perhaps. Pure genius. All animal.

2. The Unsacred Hearts - "Hoboken"
Joe Willie: shouts
Dave: guitarring
Travis: drumming and bassing and other stuff
Recorded and mixed at Serious Business.
When the idea for this gift-comp came into my sights back in November, Andy had just left for California, Serious Business was feeling empty and plans for Unsacred future hadn't yet been drawn. So all alone at the studio I delighted in the opportunity to work out basic tracks for this take on MiG's mightiest straight-up punk-rock anthem. My main idea was just to play it way faster than the original so I set the metronome for 223 bpm and just hammered away and hoped for the best. It was all nonsense until Dave and Joe contributed their parts and then I realized the extent to which "Hoboken" is a real deal rock and roll song for the ages with guts and entrails and heart and soul and so are all these B-Brux compositions. Break 'em down and reconstruct 'em and twist 'em and mangle 'em all you want. They're all still the prodigious offspring of true rock and roller and will undoubtedly hold up when Man In Gray follows in the footsteps of the greats (Tesla, LL Cool J, Rod Stewart) and gets invited to perform them naked and unadorned on MTV Unplugged. - Trav

3. G love & Special K - "Kill the Messenger"
George: drums
Kristie: guitars, bass, vox
Recorded and mixed by George at the Song Corporation practice space and 281 Cumberland Street.
Apparently, prior to this project, a recording of "Kill the Messenger" didn't really exist. Jeremy and Tina did a simple acoustic demo so we could hear it. Then we changed it a bit and gave it little more pop structure. In an added sentimental touch, the second guitar is the very same guitar (still re-strung and tuned to B) I used in the Glenn Branca recording of Symphony #13 with the very same Bryan B. Ahhhh. - Kristie

4. Beastmaster Romance - "Neighbors" (abridged interlude)
P.L. Rosenbloom: vocals, computer
Considered by many to be Terence Malick of the electronica/jungle scene due to his limited output and singular eccentricity, the elusive Beastmaster Romance kindly agreed to let us include this snippet from his upcoming masterwork "Sounds for Lovers."

5. Scarlet Fever School - "36"
d: vocals
Jeremy: guitar, backing vocals
Alex aka da Dirty: percussion, backing vocals
Recorded by Jeremy Joseph at room 31, Flood studio on 2/6/05.
Mixed by Travis "Don't Sing Into A Sock" Harrison at Serious Business.
The School is sorry that due to monetary and time constraints we could not include bird noises, a guiro, ocean sounds, that percussive instrument that sounds like a monkey and complimentary caipirinhas with our version of this Bruchman classic. Nonetheless, we wish Bryan a happy birthday and advise everyone to always eat plenty of lemons.

6. theJLM - "Better v3.2"
theJLM: production, beats, vox
steveJOBS: synthesizers
recorded by the G4unit @ iLife Studios.
Shoutout to the Macintosh posse, ya'll's mah byotches.
Back to the days of 1975, theJLM was in an accident of a vehicular nature, leaving him laid up in bed for months. Unable to reach da knobs of his stereo, he noticed how the music blended into the background noise of the rain outside. This was some fuckin cool shits, no doubt. This was when he decided to create ambient music because he's all cool and shits. Wait, I forgot dat was Brian Eno, not theJLM. Never mind. Dis dude just got someone to write out the notes on paper for him because he's a drummer and don't know no better, then he composed some loop-type shits on da computer and mixed it up wit some beats. Shit. What the fuck sup nah?

7. Carol Ann & The Fantastic Stand - "Tuesday Night"
Carol Ann: bass, lead vocals
The Fantastic Stand: samples, guitars, keyboards, backing vocals
Recorded at Crescentbeat Studio in Astoria.
Although El Jezel had jammed out "Tuesday Night" once or twice in the past, unforeseeable circumstances prevented Dan Jezel from taking part in this very special project. Regardless, Jess and George soldiered on with the help of a sampler and some super funky beats (bonus fun fact: the same beat is used on the Beastie Boys' "Car Thief" from Paul's Boutique). Jess Jezel found that singing in Tina's higher octave could lead to a fatal injury so she wisely chose to sing it lower. George's direction was to "think Jennifer Charles," one take later she was done. To spice things up Jess added a sexy spoken word part over the instrumental break. As she recorded this George got all hot and bothered and was rushed to the infirmary. Fortunately, he was released the next day and returned home to begin the onslaught of overdubs. Some EJ experts claim the vocoder part on the outro is in fact Dan Jezel's secret cameo, but no one is really sure.

8. Baby Be-Gone - "MiG"
Recorded in the living room of longcomings aerie 2/14/05 and 2/17/05.
Stephanie: vocals
Jared: guitars
Like a sewing needle carelessly left in a bag of mini-marshmallows, there are certain noises that unexpectedly disquiet. They can be anything from a single sharp note in the middle of a Mozart aria to one's mother's voice when one is all alone - there are sounds in this world that sneak up without warning and do not improve the mental health. Baby Be-Gone's recording of MiG is littered liberally with just such un-dulcet tones. And we have no idea who this Baby Be-Gone is, either. We returned to Stephanie's apartment one night last month to find an unusual cassette tape placed carefully on her pillow in an empty box of birth-control pills, next to a refreshing mint. It was marked only with a bloody paw print and the words..."Baby Be-Gone Does the Funky MiG."

9. The Marks - "Crawl"
Phil: Guitar, Vocals
Tina: DrumsMary: Bass
Recorded by Jeremy "Man with a 4-track" Joseph at room 31, Flood studio.
Mixed and fixed by Travis "Gravitas" Harrison at Serious Business.
The first attempt at "Crawl" took place at the Phina Estate during a Man in Gray practice and featured Phil on acoustic guitar and Mary on low-volume bass. It sounded very vaguely flamenco, but not for long. Phil's suggestion was "think dance punk." Tina countered with "think dance, punk." Not to be outdone, Mary chimed in: "think, dance punk!" We are very proud of the stop/start toward the end and also our rehearsal-room impersonations of members of Man in Gray. Daniella says Phil's guitar solo "sounds kind of Turkish,"* and to that we say, if it's Turkish, baby, it's Turkish delight.

*NB actually, it was alex that said that. I said it reminded me of the beginning of the cure's "killing an arab" so...algerian perhaps? -d

10. botany bay - "Niv"**
Eric: guitar, vocals
Recorded & mixed by Eric Schwortz in Plainview, NY two days in February. Adapted to comply with strict rules and regulations of my new religious affiliation.

**botany bay's Niv lyrics:

the first time that I saw this
some words were sinking in my drink
making funny little movements like suffocating
pressed against a cold glass punctuating

looking out from inside
the movement slows
don't bother to try

the glass poured into the sink
the words were twitching under me
little pieces of glass fell into my left palm
i think i am not in control of this

11. The Plus Ones - "Catholic Schoolgirls Rock"
Jenny Piston: lead vocal, snaps and claps
D-hella and Steph: gorgeous harmonies, oohs and yeahs, gratuitous comments, snaps and claps
Mary: bass, backing vocals, snaps and claps
Phil: guitar and vocals
Featuring a special appearance by Alex on drums
Recorded by Jeremy "My name is Frank, I'll be your engineer" Joseph at room 31, Flood studios on 2/19/05.
Mixing and additional recording on 2/20/05 by Travis "This makes me feel funny" Harrison at Serious Business.
A masterpiece of coordination and deception, this recording of "Catholic Schoolgirls Rock" was crafted in Daniella and Jeremy's living room during Wednesday night MiG rehearsals, and the whole thing took shape during several stealth trips to Flood. Mary and Daniella were attacked by rats on 9th Street, Steph had to chug an entire bottle of Robitussin in order to sing through her sickness, and Phil recorded his part in one take while incredibly hungover from the SB party. We trekked back to Serious Business on Sunday the 20th for final touches, and that was where Jenny Piston conceived of the brilliant spoken intro a la "Leader of the Pack." Our goal was girl-group-meets-Spector-with-lots-of-handclaps, plus a li'l Catholic lesbian subtext, so you decide if we succeeded.